I hate keeping secrets. Like my job, I am generally very good at doing it but sometimes it makes me want to tear my hair out and/or crawl in a hole and hide. When things are trapped in your head and you can’t let them out, you can feel horribly, desperately alone. This is why PostSecret is such a huge success. Send in your secret and breathe a sigh of relief. There. You got it out. The world knows the secret and since you have shared and others have shared their secrets with you, you’re not alone.

Do you ever find yourself in a situation that you can only discuss a problem with one particular person? Maybe your other friends will judge, maybe they won’t understand, maybe they’re not close enough friends or are too close to someone else involved. Maybe you can tell some, even most of the story to other friends but you have to keep some parts secret. But the whole thing, unedited?

What if you can’t fit it on a postcard, or anonymous mail-in confessions aren’t your thing? Then you need that someone, that very specific friend.

That person is detached enough from the situation to be able to help you keep perspective. That person is close enough and trustworthy enough that you can tell the whole thing and empty out your heart. That person will let you be upset and hurt and cranky and not try to make everything better. Because that person knows he can’t make everything better – he can just hold you for awhile and hand you kleenex when you’re teary and pillows to punch when you’re angry. All he can really do is remind you to breathe.

That person is strong enough to catch you and not crumble. He doesn’t try to cheer you up or make you forget about things; he respects that you feel what you feel. He won’t belittle your worries or your fears. He won’t force you to be happy, but he’ll offer to share his happiness with you, not as a distraction from your troubles but as means of coping. And remember: if you will share and someone will share with you, you’re not alone.

But it can be hard to remember that you’re not alone when you really are physically alone. Right now, no one can hug me or hand me tissues or even look me in the eye and say it’s okay to be upset. No one is here but me. So I just have to remember that someone shook me out of bed today and said we were going to the zoo, and we saw a lion climb up a tree and an angry ostrich chase a giraffe and a zebra rolling on his back in the dirt.  He didn’t take me there to mean “Don’t worry about your troubles, they’re not important, just look at this instead.” He meant “I know you’ve been feeling weak. I want you to feel good so you feel stronger. Let’s have a beautiful day.”

So even though he’s not here right now and an alone-ish feeling is creeping in around my edges, even though I know he’ll never read this:

Thanks, E. I wouldn’t have made it through these days without you.

Who hears your secrets?