(I just had to write this and I feel a wee bit better now that I did. And this crankiness is after 11 days of calming down.)

Dear <name redacted> Movers,

You advertise on Craigslist in St. Louis to provide “clean, reliable, and insured” loading and unloading services for $25 per hour, per “strong, experienced” man.

I call bullshit.

I provided the truck, as requested. You provided two sluggish movers – one of whom was probably just 16 – with a dirty van and a trailer that looked like it was used for hauling lawn equipment. Although I had a confirmation for my appointment at 9 am, you insisted that I was not scheduled till 10. and your movers didn’t show up till 10:30 anyway.

This posed a problem.

I reserved the truck for a certain timeframe. When your guys are 90 minutes late, slow-walking, smoke-break-taking, cell phone-talking, dumb-idea-having bums, everything is slowed down. We were only able to make one trip instead of two, which meant that half of my stuff was left at my old house for me to shuttle back and forth BY MYSELF IN A PONTIAC in order to get moved out on time.

So I pretty much hated you before you got there. But seriously? You could have redeemed yourselves by being competent. Or at least nice.

I had everything packed neatly in boxes. I had wrapped the cabinets so doors would stay shut. I had things labeled with where in the new place they were meant to go. I walked your dumb butts through my house and showed you which items were priorities (heavy stuff I can’t move alone) and which we could just smoosh in the extra space. Since, after all, we were down to one trip and I had to prioritize.

And you immediately began to take the low priority items outside WHY? Were you TRYING to piss me off?

Let me educate you on a few points.

• It does not take two people to take apart a bed frame. Or assemble one. Or remove or replace a mirror on a dresser. This means that one of you can be doing something else. Something productive. And if I see you standing still, I will GIVE you something to do.
• Your 5 smoke breaks in four hours are not paid time and I dare you to argue with me on that point when I write the check.
• Asking a girl if you can put her light beige sofa in a nasty-ass trailer is never a good idea. Put it in the nice, clean truck that I rented for this express purpose. And cover it.
• And for the love of Baby Jesus, do not think that rubbing at a spot on the light beige sofa with YOUR DIRTY HANDS will make it any better. Quite the opposite, I assure you.
• Do not even ask if you can just strap my mattress, UNCOVERED, to the roof of your van “because it’s easier” when it looks like it’s going to rain. I will not let you, and it WILL rain. This. Is why. I got. The truck.
• Put shit where you are told to put it in the new place, or I will make you move it again. Don’t look at me like I’m the psycho bitch from hell. I hired you because I can’t move that giant desk by myself. Oh wait, obviously you can’t move it with TWO people because you did crack the support on it, didn’t you?

But I won’t file a claim on my couch cleaning or my damaged desk. I won’t call your boss to complain about your inadequacies. Because I never want to hear from you again.

Disgustedly,

Rebekah

P.S. Did you get that email thread that I found and re-sent to you? The one where I asked for the movers at 9:00 and you confirmed it? Yeah. I keep that stuff. You should try it.

P.S. #2: If you see this letter on the internet and think I am being libelous, think again – I am being GRACIOUS by not associating the name of your sorry excuse for a company with this craptastic moving experience.