I might be scared of my blog.

Although I’ve been telling myself (and some of you)  that my recent absence from blogging has been because I haven’t felt like writing or I haven’t had anything to write about, I think I’m wrong. That might not be the whole truth.

This used to be where I could spill my guts, be open, honest, heart-on-my-sleeve, and really put everything out there. I am a little afraid to do that now.

There are things going on right now that last year I would have written about, things in my relationship and other parts of my life, and for some reason this year I find myself feeling guilty about writing them. Which begs me to consider:

Do I feel guilty for writing things about my personal life and putting them on the Internet, OR…

Do I feel guilty about the way I feel and no longer want to share because I’m ashamed of it?

Maybe I’ve outgrown this blog. I’ve been blogging for almost five years now and kept the same content from URL to URL, although the structure of the blog and the subject matter have changed several times. Five years in, with all the changes, I feel a little lost with my blog, like I no longer know what I can say here that is really of value to me as a writer or to you as a reader.

But I know I’d feel a little lost without it too.

Now what?

Bloggers are not writers.

That sounds a little harsh, doesn’t it?

Maybe not harsh exactly. Provocative, perhaps. It piques thought. But it sounds very black-and-white. A square is not a circle. And I hated seeing that phrase bandied about on several blogs in the last month or so because if there’s one thing modern publishing ISN’T, it’s black and white. This colorful Internet actually makes many things into hazy shades of gray.

This was drawn to my attention by a post on David’s blog in January, in which he referenced the conversation sparked by a post on Modite.com called “Bloggers are not Writers.” What struck me about both David’s post and Rebecca Thorman’s post on Modite was the way the authors worked off the dichotomy that a person who types is just one or the other, blogger or writer. On the other hand, the conversation in the comment section of those posts DID bring this fallacy forward in a huge way, and it got me thinking about labels.

I work in healthcare. A doctor is a doctor because he/she had gone through a specific academic program and taken a very nasty test designed by a national association and applied to every medical student in the country. You must pass this exact test, every one of you, to become a doctor. That is black and white. From there you can take advanced training to be a surgeon or a rheumatologist or a pulmonologist or any other sort of specialist you can imagine. Anyone can be trained and get certified in First Aid or CPR or other medical care things, but to be a DOCTOR, everyone must pass the same test.

Yet having a degree in Journalism makes me a journalist just as much as having a degree in French makes me a native Gaul.

It’s not always so cut-and-dried.

The open-source nature of the internet blurs the lines we’ve known for years. A journalist works for a professional news organization. An author has had a book published. And so on. But in this age of user-generated content, many of the gatekeepers that applied those labels are gone. Whining for the good old days of traditional publishing and the labeling of the profession does you no good now.

I have a blog so I am unquestionably a blogger. But what if a publishing house came to me and said “We’d like to publish some of your blog posts.” Am I suddenly a writer then, even though they want to publish what I wrote as a blogger?

What if I decide on my own to make my blog posts into a book and publish them on CreateSpace, get an ISBN, sell on Amazon, and place my work permanently in the Library of Congress? I can do that, you know. Would that make me a writer? Or am I a blogger with a book?

David made a point in his post about how a writer is not a writer until he/she gets paid for doing it. I respect a lot of his opinions but this one was a bit of a sticking point because although it seems to draw a line on where to place the labels, that line is extremely blurry.

I could get royalties off my CreateSpace book. Am I a writer now?

I can make money off of ads on my blog and paid posts, should I choose to do something like that. Am I a writer? Or should I call myself a professional blogger?

What if I just made the argument that it’s part of my job to write? I write newsletter articles and abstracts and things that are published at national conferences. And I get paid to do my job. So am I a writer?

Gray. Endless hex codes of gray.

User-generated content has reduced the definition of the word “writer” to a quibble over semantics. If all I did was blog, I’d have no problem just calling myself a blogger. But even though I’ve never had a book published, I have no problem calling myself a writer. Because I am WORKING AT IT. Not just on my blog, that’s a separate animal. I am working on the craft, as I have been for years. I am working on a piece of writing that may or may not ever be picked up by an agent or a publishing house. I may put it on CreateSpace someday if it’s not. I may trash it if it sucks. And I haven’t made a cent from it.

Am I a filmmaker if I practice my craft but my films that don’t sell? Am I a musician if I work hard at my art and never cut a professional album?

One commenter on the Modite post offered the intriguing parallel of trashy romance novels and award-winning literary novels. Are they both the product of WRITERS? Should the author of the award-winner be offended that the romance author also calls herself a WRITER?

Seriously? Boo-hoo.

There are bloggers. There are writers, and some writers blog. There are vloggers. And there are some filmmakers who make vlogs.

I’m not a writer because I’m a blogger. But I am a blogger. And I am a writer.

What are you?

I don’t usually write (or like to read) the ohaisorryiamtoobusytoblog posts, but I briefly considered writing one yesterday when I fielded a phone call from a friend who was genuinely concerned for my well-being, as I had not been tweeting regularly or blogging at all for the last week. Not kidding.

Well, I’ve felt a little off.

Things have been happening and I’ve even taken photos of a few things, intending to write witty and engaging posts about my recent escapades with paint and power tools. But everything I wrote just looked blah to me. I hovered over”post” at least a dozen times in the last ten days, and I just never made the click.

Sometimes it feels weird trying to pull meaning and insight out of my everyday doings. I try to do this. I often use my blogging to make sense of things, to piece things together so that the world seems more cohesive and explainable. But when there’s nothing dramatic going on, what is there to write? What is there to do but just live and keep on living until there is something finally worth writing?

That looks depressing, and there’s the problem with even just writing this post – I’m NOT depressed. (This time, anyway.) I’m fine. Everything is just coming out all wrong, and I think that because I don’t feel like I have anything that simply MUST be said, I just haven’t said anything much. There’s no sense of urgency, none of that deep-seated need to spill my guts. It comes when things are really great or really awful – you know the moments, where you have to write it or you’ll go crazy, those moments when you don’t even think before you click “post” and you can just breathe a sigh of relief what it’s all OUT.

At times like that I don’t give a shit if it’s written well or not. Blogs are narcissistic and meant to be cathartic.

But when I have time to construct a thoughtful and well-written post and I just CAN’T write it? It frustrates me so much that I don’t even want to sit back down and try again until I feel that must-tell-the-world feeling again.

So today, I’m actually going to click “post” because I really want to know what you fellow bloggers do when you can’t write the way you want.

Are you comfortable posting what might not be your best writing?

Blog, blog, high school, high school… we all seem to agree that there are a lot of things about the blogging community that tend to run parallel with the social hierarchy of high schools. I noted some things about that in an earlier post, but something struck me today about bullying in the blogosphere…

In real high school? Bullying could be a big problem. A serious problem that could lead to violence and even self-inflicted harm on the part of the victim. It was often met with a code of silence around the victims and helplessness from the staff who either couldn’t do something until there was a “real” problem, or brushed it off as kids being kids. Even friends and parents would say “just ignore him/her.” Often, no one would stand up for you. There were even rules in place that worked against a victim who tried to defend him/herself from a physical attack.

So bullies got away with it. They picked on people and made personal verbal attacks, which usually hurt more than any shove up against the lockers and demand for lunch money.

And sometimes there was no lunch money to give them. Sometimes you couldn’t just get up out of your desk and walk away. Sometimes you couldn’t just ignore it, so you suffered in silence and felt very, very alone.

This is where we, as a blogging community, diverge from high school.

We all write our own way and express our own opinions, and as bloggers we hold our freedom of speech and press near and dear. But we have standards in our communities, and those include respect for people and feelings as well as for opinions.

There was some buzz today about one blogger who allegedly (and I only say this because the posts are gone so I couldn’t check) posted a personal attack on another blogger, regarding the quality of her blog and its worthiness of an award she recently received. This was done in a public forum.

Other members of the blogging community came to this young woman’s defense. Whether she needed them or not, people made it clear to her – and to the person who was offending her – that she was not alone. Similar scenarios play out across the blog world every single day and prove over and over again that we stick to our principles and we have got each other’s backs against bullies and trolls.

Of course we return to free speech and our rights to express opinions. But in a public forum, especially a community forum, if you cross the line into personal attacks, do not be surprised when you start to hear from people you’ve never met or even heard of, calling you out for your treatment of another community member.

YOU will feel just how much words can hurt.

If you genuinely meant no harm and just really screwed up your wording on something and it ended up looking offensive, just make your apology and explanation. Everyone gets heated once in awhile and writes something that just comes out wrong. That’s okay. I’ve accidentally offended people through careless wording before. When genuine apologies are made and accepted, and we move on.

But you don’t accidentally tell someone their writing is pointless or that they do not deserve to be recognized for their work. And you especially do not do that on that person’s own blog or the public forum of a community to which that person belongs.

Although these things continue to happen and probably always will, I just wanted to put it out there that this is an area in which the 20-Something Bloggers community can really shine. The only people who should not be welcome (in MY opinion only) are those who make personal attacks on others, and good riddance to them if they are driven off by people who are trying to defend not only a person, but the integrity of a community.

Groups of friends and lunch tables, I see that parallel. And I think it’s a natural one. But in this aspect, it’s not high school. Bullies don’t get away with it here.

We will take care of our own.

—

(Huh. Maybe we’re actually more like a gang? Can we wear green? The 20SB website has a lot of green…)

2000

• Was happily ensconced in a small-town university, pledging Sigma Alpha Iota.
• Was probably the most “popular” I’ve ever been, albeit in a shallow, “squeee!” sorority girl kind of way.

2001

• Met a boy and fell in love in the spring.
• Had a very difficult living situation upon returning to school in the fall.
• Got myself a little “unpopular” because people were driving me in-freaking-sane and I told them so.
• After changing my major three times in two and a half years, decided to leave school and move back home for awhile. Conveniently closer to the boy.

2002

• February 23: Got engaged!
• Set a date: August 9, 2003
• Wedding plan, plan, plan.
• Got a halfway decent job in retail and had a vague notion of starting back to school in radiation therapy.

2003

• Started at The Hospital as a secretary.
• Have to see a dead person for the first time. As in, the body bag thing.
• April: Best friend got married and I started to get the shakes.
• More in April: Argue, cry, make up, argue, cry, make up.
• May: Just before my first bridal shower and just before the invites go out in the mail, we break up.
• June: We get back together briefly, though decide not to worry about a wedding anytime soon. We break up again a month later.
• I start dating again and am told I have baggage.

2004

• Move into the city with a notion of becoming hip Urban Girl.
• Run up ridiculous credit card debt
• Travel alone for the first time – see England, Scotland and a little nubbin of France
• Start back part-time to finish my bachelor’s degree in English at Wash U.

2005

• The credit card debt catches up with me. That didn’t take long.
• Date a nice boy for awhile, my first real relationship of significant length since the fiance and I split.
• We break up and stay friends.
• I get a promotion at work.
• My blog “My Red Stapler” is born.
  

2006

• I graduate from college with a BS in English.
• I meet Tim.
• I don’t blog too much.
• I get an even better promotion at work and clear all credit card debt.
• I deal with being an Air Force WAG during a deployment.
• I buy a house and fix it up.

2007

• Winter: Tim and I break up in horrific fashion
• In emotional crisis mode, I buy a Jeep.
• Spring: I have a nervous breakdown of sorts.
• I briefly write a blog called “Therapy, Schmerapy.”
• In the fall, I meet and start dating E.
• I resolve to start blogging again on a more regular basis.

2008

• I get another promotion at work.
• I get a foster dog and have to send her back because she made my cat sick.
• Spring: E and I break up in horrific fashion.
• I have my first Blog Crush.
• I rename the blog “She’s Got Baggage.” It seems right at the time.
• I have a wild and crazy summer of dating inappropriate people. (Just read all of July and August 2008 for this.)
• I meet my first blog friends.
• Fall: E and I get back together
• I move to self-hosting my blog.
• I complete my first NaNoWriMo.

2009

• The economy begins to take its toll and I sell my beloved Jeep.
• E and I build a much stronger relationship than we ever had before. We think about the future.
• I have an awesome Girlfriend’s Guide to Gaming party sponsored by Nintendo and Brand About Town, and meet some more lovely bloggers.
• I attend BlogHer for the first time.
• More on the economy – I put my house on the market in early summer and sell it in early fall.
• I decide to ditch the baggage and rename the blog again.
• I password-protect a TON of old posts.
• I complete my 2nd NaNoWriMo with a much better product.
• I apply to and am accepted into a master’s program for Communications Management.

And what do I know for 2010?

• I start school next Wednesday.
• E and I are taking our first real, alone, not-visiting-family, proper vacation together in a week.

That’s all I’ve got so far.