(You know you love that title song. Britney, your abs inspire me.)

It’s so easy to only see the short-term when you’re looking forward. But what about when you’re looking back?

I have been so tired lately. Physically tired, mostly – sometimes I just lay in my bed with my brain on, on on… writing the novel or a school assignment or a blog post in my head but so exhausted that Iwon’t even get up to sit at my computer and put words on a screen.

So this week, I blamed it on the post-vacation slump.

Then I thought about it and realized I’ve felt this way for a long time.

Last week I just thought I was relaxing.

The week before I blamed the pre-vacation madness of getting everything done before leaving.

Before that it was post-holiday blues.

Before that it was pre-holiday blues.

Before that it was NaNoWriMo exhaustion.

And of course I can blame that bipolar monster of mine any time I can’t think of a better reason.

Wishcake had a post up the other day that touched on cleansing and detoxification. In the comment section, several people recommended various programs to try or avoid. It all piqued my interest, so I went to work on The Google.

On one website, I checked “yes” in about 75% of the boxes for toxicity risk factors. That’s everything from having silver fillings (like I can help THAT?) to working in a place with wall-to-wall-carpeting (again, not my fault) to being around smokers a lot (I don’t myself, but my friends have vices) and especially my diet (that one’s my fault). Almost everything I eat is processed, carbonated, pre-packaged, preservative-packed, sodium-happy, and low in actual nutrients.

Oh, and I drink. Sometimes rather a lot.

So, according to several websites, this could be the reason why…

• I am physically but not mentally tired so often
• I have a lot of tummy upsets, upper and lower GI
• I have a visible belly pooch post-eating
• I get a lot of headaches
• Water weight, water weight, water weight. (Beats me how I have this since I hardly drink water, but it’s there.)

I eat crap food and I know it. Too much junk, not nearly enough fruit and veg, and I am horrible water drinker. Apparently, these things could not only be contributing to my weight gain, but also to the buildup of a whole lot of nasty stuff in my digestive system, my liver, my kidneys, and my blood. I’ll spare you the details some of these websites go into, but trust me: EWW. I know that my diet is entirely my fault.

Because I absolutely cannot fathom the idea of giving up my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper forever, I’ve been looking into short-term cleansing systems that require a few weeks of massive (for me) diet changes, plus a shit-ton of vitamins and other herbal things. Not the scary plans where you only drink maple syrup and lemonade (WTF?), but just the sort of plan where I’d cut out junk food, fast food, alcohol (o noes!), carbonation, some meats, white carbs, and a few other things – then add in super lots of water, veggies, fruit, and certain fiberous things. You know, the stuff I should be eating ANYWAY. And, of course, whatever horse-pills of detox herbals go along with said plan.

I tell myself I can do it short-term. Supposedly I will feel so lovely and fresh and clean that I will stop craving such crappy food and will instead want the sort of healthy things that got me feeling so much better in the first place. And starting a short-term program doesn’t seem quite so intimidating as “I will never eat McNuggets again.”

There are always risks to these programs. One is that if it doesn’t work, I’ll crave not healthy things, but more and more tacos and peanut butter cups. And of course, what about all that stuff in the pills? Will I have nasty side effects like some people claim? Will the herbs clear out the good as well as the bad bacteria, making me vulnerable to infections? Will they interact with the medicine I already have to take every day?

Good patient that I am, I am starting this with a trip to the doctor who prescribes my meds, just to see what she has to say about interactions, etc. I have that appointment scheduled for next week. And of course I’m reading a ton of reviews, good and bad, about a lot of these various cleansing and detox systems.

This might be a good first step. What do you think?

I often skip out on resolutions because I usually wind up with a big fat fail (literally) when I try to do things like exercise, lose weight or eat better. But I’m giving resolutions another shot this year, because 2009 was good but sort of aimless. I feel the need to pick up the pace in 2010, so I’ve set a few small goals and few large-ish ones.

I think #5, #6, and #7 will be the hardest, but probably the most important to me overall. The book-writing thing has been the voice in the back of my head for YEARS, and it’s time to do something about it, even if the result sucks. A lot of successful authors didn’t sell their first novels. I just have to be brave enough to fail. After all, who am I to tell bloggers that they must press on to meet their goals if I can’t press on with mine?

And so:

1. Take more pictures and KEEP THEM ORGANIZED.
2. Learn some new software. Specifically Photoshop so I can clean up my skin before I post said pictures.
3. Keep address book up to date.
4. Send Valentines.
5. Finish the novel. Even if it sucks. FINISH IT by the end of March. April. May.
6. Send finished novel to at least 5 agents, just to see if it really does suck.
7. Then start another one by June. July. August.
8. Don’t bother trying to lose weight. Just quit gaining it.
9. Put all money saved from deferred student loan payments directly into savings. Do Not Pass Go. Do not collect $200.
10. Do not pay full retail for books; be patient and buy used on Amazon or eBay.
11. Check 20SB at least every 3 days to remain active in discussions.
12. Do not change blog URL.
13. Write something for Guidespot without using the word “Wordpress.”

Pshhht. I can do this.

Some of my pants fit again!

Some of them still don’t, but hey… PANTS!

I was prepared to take a little of my excess escrow refund money and hit the mall for several new pairs of dress pants, since neither my khakis, gray pants, or black pants fit me without being too bootylicious for work. I’d long outgrown my nice brown pinstripe pants and so they’ve gone to Goodwill, along with my pink and grey tweeds.

I don’t know if it’s because of carrying so many moving boxes, going up and down stairs a lot more, or what – as it sure was not my diet – but I’ve lost about five pounds and my khakis and gray pants fit once more!

WIN.

On day two of Operation: PANTS I was shuffling through one of my still-unpacked BlogHer swag bags, looking for a little USB drive to loan to a friend, when I found a fitness DVD!

After the first Operation: PANTS post, I got a number of comments and emails about structuring gym routines and such. Entirely my bad – I left out the key fact that I do not belong to a gym, nor do I really want to dish out the money to join one. I own some little weights, yoga mat, cushy workout mat, and other stuff that I should use but don’t. I think I chould start at home with what I have before I commit to a gym membership. My problem is always motivation, it seems – gym or no gym.

The number one suggestion in comments and in emails was that I buy new workout clothes to motivate myself.

I couldn’t protest. Really, how can you ignore your readers?

So I have a new top and new striped pants* to wear while I do this free surprise DVD.

I got the workout DVD at the Elations booth at BlogHer while I was trying out the yummy flavored waters that have supplements to promote bone and joint health. The DVD says it includes workouts that are good for people who suffer back, neck and other joint pain. I come from a family of bad joints (along with that blood pressure and cholesterol fun), so this is pretty important to me. Mom has bad knees, both grandpas have titanium hips. I’ve already had one knee surgery and I still have residual pain from it when I do any sort of impact workout. I only run if something is chasing me.

So I’m going to try the DVD today, in my new pants and top. I can’t imagine that pilates will require me to jump… will it?

———————-

* I can’t buy the Skechers Shape Ups just yet, but I tried them on and I waaaaant them. I’m saving my pennies for E’s birthday present. However, if you represent Skechers shoes and would like to send me a free pair of the yellow and silver ones in size 6.5, I will review them for you on this blog.

It’s official: I do not fit into any of my dressy dress pants. AGAIN. This is the second round I’ve outgrown in 12 months. I have exactly two pairs of pants that I can wear to work, both casual chinos that do not make me look important. This is unacceptable.

The most common place for a woman to gain weight is around her hips and thighs. This is also the unhealthiest place for her to gain weight. And it’s the ONLY place I’ve gained weight, resulting in a curiously pear-shaped frame that’s still skinny on the top (sigh) and towards the ankles.

Even if my pants did fit – and even if I had oodles of money to buy new pants and not worry about that anymore – I know I’ve developed a pretty unhealthy lifestyle lately. I eat crappy food and drink beer and god knows I don’t exercise. The fact that I’ve gained 25 pounds in the last year and a half is a red flag – something about my body is changing, so something about my lifestyle must change too, right? Many people who are really overweight got that way because they didn’t attack the problem when it was manageable. I don’t feel like I’m in danger of becoming obese… but who thinks that when they’re still pretty close to their healthy weight range?

Uh, no one.

So we eat and eat and sit on our couches and barstools and gain just one more pound at a time. I’ve rolled with the good metabolism for long enough; now my luck is wearing off and my once rock-solid abs are hiding under a little layer of mush.

E and I have decided to make some changes together. He’s a lot like me, habit-wise: beer and crap food and laziness. We play volleyball and walk to and from the bars for exercise. So we have decided:

• Light beer only from now on. We will accomplish this by sharing a pitcher of Bud Light so neither of us is tempted to make that second glass a Budweiser (him) or a Landshark (me).
• Take walks together. Ride the bike (him only, because I can’t – bad knee).
• Eat grilled chicken strips instead of fried (seriously, we eat a lot of chicken strips so this is huge).
• Buy Lean Pockets instead of Hot Pockets. Stock the house with healthier snacks overall.
• Find a new vegetable to like AND EAT IT.

He’s also said he won’t go through the free buffet at the Very Nice Restaurant more than once per shift. I’ve added a few little things of my own too. I know I don’t really need to lose much weight (10 pounds would make me happy and put me in a healthy-weight range) but I do need to stop being such a sedentary bum. I’ve always been kind of a slacker in the exercise department and for twenty-eight years I’ve gotten away with it because that’s how my family rolls. We start off skinny, sometimes too skinny, and it’s not the Freshman Fifteen but the late twenties that pack ‘em on. Add that to the family history of high blood pressure (check), weight gain (check) and high cholesterol (safe so far) and it’s pretty clear that the time for change is now.

I don’t want to end up struggling to lose 50 or 60 pounds down the road. I know that if I do better now, I probably will never have to do that.

So I am going to…

• Clip on that iPod-looking pedometer from the Wal-Mart swag bag at BlogHer and make sure I walk at least 2 miles per day.
• Walk to and from the work parking garage as long as it is not raining and I am not wearing dress shoes.
• Look at books about healthier eating habits that are not super-restrictive, like the F-Factor Diet and the Small Changes, Big Results method. Then I will try to do those things.
• Not eat candy.
• Get some of those Skechers Shape-Ups so I can tone my muscles more as I walk AND improve my posture and my abs. They’re supposed to be easier on my bad knee too. (I will keep you posted on how those work out.)

Today I weigh 137 pounds, top of the healthy range for my five feet and three and a half inches. It ends here. “Operation PANTS” has begun.

Got any tips for a lazy girl who doesn’t like vegetables and can’t afford a trainer?