I am dropping this letter in the mailbox the next time I go down to the lobby. I refuse to be trampled by an incompetent city bureaucracy, especially one that can’t even pay the fees for its own PO Box and causes hundreds of payments to be lost in the mail, inflicting this same problem on many others who happened to park on the wrong side of the street during street cleaning.

Twenty bucks is a lot of money in hard times. It’s a doctor’s office copay, a tank of gas, or several days’ worth of food. I’m not giving in without a fight.

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3/19/2009

Dear City of St. Louis Parking Violations Bureau:

I am writing in response to the “Final Warning of Delinquent Parking Violation” notice I received from you on 3/16/09, regarding ticket [redacted].

Why are you charging me a $30.00 late fee on a $10.00 ticket that, according to my records and yours, I have already paid?

The ticket was issued on 1/14/09 and my check came to you on 2/1/09. According to my bank, you did not process it until 2/18/09. If I was a moment late in doing my part paying the $10.00, I will gladly pay you the first $10.00 late fee. Yet this notice indicates that since I failed to respond to the ticket greater than 45 days after issuance, I have to pay a fine of three times the original ticket amount. I DID RESPOND. It’s even on the notice that I paid the $10.00 and my check was cashed. It’s not my fault you took over two weeks to process it, but you DID receive it. Please amend your records to reflect this.

I received the “second notice” warning just a day or two after I mailed the $10.00 check. Yes, I ignored it. I ignored it because I had already sent in my check and considered the matter settled.

After receiving this Final Warning, I called the information line. The woman there informed me that the $30.00 is a late fee on the first late fee that I did not know I owed. You want me to pay a second late fee because I am late in paying the first late fee for a check I had already mailed you?

This letter is my formal contest of this unnecessary fine.

You should have just sent me a separate bill and explanation for the first late fee. That would have been another $10.00 and we would be all settled.

I have enclosed a check for the first $10.00 late fee that you did not tell me I still owed after my initial payment. That will bring my total payment to $20.00, covering the original cost of the ticket and the first late fee. I do not believe I should have to pay the additional $20.00 as a fine on the first late fee.

Respectfully,

Rebekah [redacted]

I posted this excess baggage on Craigslist St. Louis just now. It only took me 5 years and E threatening to torch it for me to realize that it was time to let go. For a slight fee. It’s a long post for Craigslist, but it pisses me off when people don’t explain the crap they’re trying to sell and make buyers waste time hassling them with dumb questions. So, in the interest of not being hassled…

Jessica McClintock Wedding Dress Size 4, No Bad Karma or Sequins

That’s right, this is not another bad-karma divorce dress like many you see listed on resale sites or in shops.* I just didn’t get married after all, and that was a very good decision on my part. So really, you’ll have good-decision karma… and if you buy the dress I’ll tell you the whole story.

Or not. You probably don’t want to hear it. I’ll tell you about the dress instead.

This is a Jessica McClintock wedding gown in white matte satin, with skinny straps and a lovely low back. It has swirly embroidery in platinum thread across the breastbone and down the train, accented with small rhinestones. The sides meet at the lower back with three buttons and open to a chapel train. There are no sequins. I hate sequins and you should too.

The dress is a size 4. I was about 110-115 lbs when I bought it. The sides have been taken in a little bit, and bra cups (A-B) have been sewn into the front. The bustle has not been added, but the embroidery on the train will look lovely with either a traditional or French bustle. Because the chapel train is short-ish, the dress is not heavy and you will be grateful for that when you don’t have to hustle three bridesmaids into the handicapped stall with you to hold up your dress when that fifth glass of champagne has you wiggling.

The hem is unaltered and the hemline is a tiny bit dusty from all the times I tried it on (it’s a bit long on me and I was 5’3” then), but that will go away if you have it hemmed or if you have it professionally cleaned. A dry clean is recommended, although you should do that anyway AFTER you get all your alterations done. Just a tip from me to you.

The skirt is a full A-line with a little crinoline attached, and could perhaps be worn without a separate crinoline. However, a slim crinoline fills it out nicely and I do recommend that.

This dress cost me $399. My asking price is $150.

As much as I’d love to save this dress until I really do get married (and I WOULD wear it, just to keep the good-decision karma going), I’ve gained 20 lbs since I bought it and that might be Baby Jesus’ way of hinting that this is no longer the dress for me.

Actually, I blame the nachos.

I also have a matching halo veil with clear rhinestones and platinum wire that complements the embroidery perfectly.**

The veil is sheer, so it shows off the low back of the gown beautifully.*** You can buy the veil for an additional $30. It was something ridiculous like $80 when I bought it.

My weight gain is your gain if you buy this beautiful dress and veil for the economy-stimulating price of only $180. Cash only, please. Email me at the Craigslist address for a quick response, and we can arrange for you to come try it on.****

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* It’s not an ugly piece of shiny, sequined, puffy lace-sleeved scariness like most of those dresses either.
** Seriously? I have great taste.
***And you will WORK IT.
****Sometime when I’m not eating.

Maybe that title is misleading. I’m not actually losing any teeth this time. But still…

Did you have braces in the 1990s?

When I was in grade school, my dentist somehow decided that my baby teeth were not falling out fast enough, so he thought it best to yank them out a few at a time. That was a total of NINE teeth taken from me in a painful fashion just because my permanent teeth were a little bit slow. And said yankings didn’t speed them up anyway.

In junior high I was sent to an orthodontist. She told me my jaw was too small and not only would I need braces for my overbite, I needed some more teeth pulled to prevent crowding and further bite problems. So adios, FOUR permanent teeth. I have no fangs. Have you ever had a perfectly healthy tooth with a strong root removed in a violent fashion? Or four? I ended up taking the filter off the face mask and breathing pure nitrous oxide for that one – the novocaine didn’t cut it.

So we’re up to thirteen teeth pulled by eighth grade, followed by four years of braces cranked tighter every month in an effort to close the gaps from which my fangs were mercilessly yanked. Clever of my orthodontist, I suppose, to keep my business by MAKING gaps to close. When I got my braces off my senior year in high school, my dentist decided that it was time to cut out my wisdom teeth – again with the “crowding” excuse. They hadn’t even broken the gum yet, which meant he had to cut for all four of them. Two of them ended up being impacted and one was broken (not by the dentist, apparently it was growing in that way). OUCH. Motherfriggin’ OUCH.

So ever since I got  off my parents’ insurance and started managing my own stuff, I have avoided the dentist. I brush. I floss sometimes. But this winter, five years since my last professional cleaning, I developed a toothache that freaked me out enough to go. This is when I discovered that the roots of my molars are in my sinuses. That wasn’t great news, but I was told that my teeth looked okay. We’ll have to do a full checkup and cleaning to check everything thoroughly, they said. I dutifully scheduled it for February 4th.

Back to the braces question…

Did you have those metal bands that wrapped all the way around your molars?

We have a decalcification epidemic on our hands! Not only did I have to sit through about half an hour of scrapy, stabby things poking me in the mouth yesterday, I found out that people who had braces with those molar bands are experiencing a lot of enamel breakdown in those teeth. In my case, it was so much that I could have brushed and flossed every day and this gaping canyon of a cavity would probably still have developed sooner or later, simply because my tooth structure was so weakened. So I have that one that now needs a cap, another less-scary one on the same tooth on the other side, and an older, very broken filling on the top that must be repaired.

So February 12th = lots of novocaine, nitrous oxide, and four hundred bucks.

I plan on eating many, many cupcakes between now and then because really? As long as he’s working on it, I may as well give him all the cavities at once and blame it on the braces.

So where is MY bailout? I promise, Mr. President, I’m trying to do better on my own. You know, I’m probably trying a lot harder than the people at Citigroup who hold my mortgage in their greedy little fists. I have been making personal sacrifices and smarter choices, not trying to buy a jet. See?

SO FAR:

Traded leased Jeep for purchased Vibe and reduced car payment by $50, insurance by $5 and gas by $25 per month.

Removed on-demand and digital programming from cable package, saves $10 per month.

Closed all credit cards except one… left it open to maintain credit history, but deactivated the card so I won’t be tempted to spend.

Started reading the weekly mailer and clipping coupons.

Bought box of breakfast sandwiches (with coupon!) to replace daily McDonald’s stop en route to work.

Closed off living room vents and blocked door to that room to save on heat. Turned house heat down and now use space heater at night. Or make boyfriend sleep over. He’s warm.

Taking clothes to thrift store and using that money to buy other clothes there or on eBay, not new in the shops.

FINALLY asking boyfriend to contribute to gas money when I drive him everywhere.

Planning to put whole $1200 tax refund STRAIGHT toward credit card bill. No treats. Maybe a small treat.

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Hopefully those changes will make a sizable difference. But if they’re not enough, Mr. President, I will try and take a few additional steps. A personal bailout could really help me avoid these things.

CONSIDERING:

Getting rid of cable altogether but keeping internet? Saves $50 per month for 6 months, then the rate jacks up at the end of the promo. I don’t watch a LOT of TV, but I would probably want to as soon as I get rid of it.

Selling plasma for $30 per week… it’s downtime, really, and I could take my laptop and call myself a paid blogger. Could do it every week = $120 per month.

Signing up for focus group for “social drinkers” to make $100 for focusing, I guess… not sure yet what that entails. I left a message.

Getting personal loan to consolidate debt and help me budget better with the money I am saving.

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As much as I try, Mr. President, I don’t think I’m quite so bad off that I have to do anything too terribly drastic…

NOT YET:

Instead of putting it toward the credit card, use tax refund to fix a few things around the house and then sell it? Move to apartment and save a TON, enough to get out of all debt?

Go to Romania and sell kidney.

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But there are some things, Mr. President, that none of us should stand for. You are a man of principle; I know you understand the needs of the American people.

NEVER AGAIN:

Cheap salon color job

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Readers, what are you doing to save money until you get a federal bailout?

Yes, it’s another angry open letter. Yes, it’s about my car issues again. But the world needs righting, and I might actually send this one.

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Dear Chrysler Financial,

Your website touts a lofty mission statement:

We are inspired and empowered to deliver exceptional financial products and services.

Let me be among the many who are probably congratulating you for accomplishing your mission. I am an account holder with a lease held by your company and I’ve found your lease transfer process to be exceptionally BAD. My experience trying to sign over my lease to a friend has been painful at best. You really ought to send me some Excedrin with that next round of paperwork.

So far, the lease transfer has progressed thus:

During my initial call to inquire about transfer process, I was routed to a person for whom English is obviously not a first language. He did not understand what I meant by “lease transfer.” I tried “lease assumption.” That did not work either. I was put on hold and waited for a supervisor who fortunately did speak English but unfortunately tried to talk me out of the transfer. I had to cut her off three times, the last very rudely, to get her to just give me the information I want.

Your terms are reasonable: a credit check for the new lessee for $50, and the final transfer for $250. These are normal market practices. Toyota, Honda and Ford have similar standards. It is your time frame that makes you truly exceptional among your peers. After requesting the credit check paperwork, I was informed that I could expect it to be delivered in 10-14 working days. You would do the U.S. Postal Service a grave disservice by assuming such a long delivery time frame, so you managed to delay the blank, not pre-populated paperwork exactly 6 days before even placing it in their capable hands. Trust me, I checked the postmark.

What you were doing with it for those 6 days is anyone’s guess.

The new lessee filled out the credit check form and mailed it, along with the $50 check, the day after we received it. Today I was informed that the credit check was received on January 19th and is processing. Let me clarify: you received a credit check request over a week ago and are still processing it. When I had my credit check to lease the car in the first place, it took two minutes. Unless you are writing to the credit bureaus by hand and sending the inquiries by tugboat, there is no reason that a credit check should take this long.

This processing throughput time is indeed exceptional. Have you even heard of Lean Methodology? It’s not just for manufacturing anymore – give Toyota a call.

The customer service representative then told me that I could not have the actual transfer paperwork until the credit check was complete. When I asked about a time frame for that, he said it might be another week or so, and that the processing of the transfer would take 30 to 35 days after they receive the second round of paperwork back from me. I’m sure you are all very busy figuring out ways to spend that 1.5 billion dollar loan you just received. I hear that you’re planning to use it to make financing more accessible for more customers,and I imagine that probably makes it difficult for you to deal with the financial needs of your existing customers.

Don’t worry. I completely understand.

Chrysler Financial, why can you complete a lease process in mere minutes when I am at a dealership and then fail to provide any kind of timely service when the exact same process is being done again? By the time the transfer is complete, we will have been working on this for over two months. Two months, when it could have taken two days if you wanted to be normal and not exceptional.

Perhaps it’s not so bad to be status quo after all.

Your vision statement is also on your website, and I am sad to inform you that although you accomplish your mission admirably, you fail miserably in achieving this vision:

To be the first choice provider of financial services for our dealers, customers and partners.

If I had no other vehicle financing options, I would buy a car on a high-interest credit card rather than apply for services through Chrysler Financial again.

Unapologetically,

Rebekah