I had a post all written in my head, and half already on the computer.

It was called “Excerpts from a breakup” and began with some pieces out of old blog posts from when we first broke up in June 2008 and then a tiny bit of old posts from when we got back together in October 2008. Then I was going to draw clever parallels to this breakup, using snippets of recent conversations and bits of the letter I wrote him that I intended to drop off with the bag of his stuff.

All I was waiting for was the time to drop off the bag, and collect my things from his house, figuring that would be the end to the relationship and the blog post.

I was set. During the days of not talking to him I had steeled myself for the confrontation and was determined to stand firm in my convictions. I was done with him.

It didn’t quite work out that way. And I won’t be publishing that post.

Instead, I’m publishing this one. Click to read the one I DID write…and what really happened.

I might be scared of my blog.

Although I’ve been telling myself (and some of you)  that my recent absence from blogging has been because I haven’t felt like writing or I haven’t had anything to write about, I think I’m wrong. That might not be the whole truth.

This used to be where I could spill my guts, be open, honest, heart-on-my-sleeve, and really put everything out there. I am a little afraid to do that now.

There are things going on right now that last year I would have written about, things in my relationship and other parts of my life, and for some reason this year I find myself feeling guilty about writing them. Which begs me to consider:

Do I feel guilty for writing things about my personal life and putting them on the Internet, OR…

Do I feel guilty about the way I feel and no longer want to share because I’m ashamed of it?

Maybe I’ve outgrown this blog. I’ve been blogging for almost five years now and kept the same content from URL to URL, although the structure of the blog and the subject matter have changed several times. Five years in, with all the changes, I feel a little lost with my blog, like I no longer know what I can say here that is really of value to me as a writer or to you as a reader.

But I know I’d feel a little lost without it too.

Now what?

“Doing more, trying more, and laughing more… should come from your attitude, NOT your birth control!”

Really, Yaz? It’s all about my attitude? I mean, I could try doing a lot more people and laugh more about it if I’m on birth control.

And what does my goddamn attitude have to do with anything? I just want to NOT HAVE A BABY.

Then your commercial proceeds to show me how I will be a happier and more outgoing person if I take this Yaz thing. Exactly what you told me did NOT matter at the beginning of the spot.

Can we all appreciate the stupidity here?

The United States and New Zealand are the only countries in the world that allow Direct-to-Consumer advertising of prescription drugs. We Americans believe there’s a pill for everything. It’s no wonder healthcare costs are out of control in this country. Viva Viagra, indeed.

Birth control, I can see why you need a prescription for that. But am I really going to make my choice of a Very Important medication based on a commercial of yellow-suited synchronized swimmers? Nuva Ring, I am talking to you.

It’s not just the drugs, though.

The Heather Armstrong commercials on HGTV started about a month ago when I was sick with a chest cold, so I saw them over and over. And the more I watched, the more I never wanted to see the very awesome Dooce again.

I hate that HGTV has done this to me. And someone there obviously hates her because that blush? Is not a good look. She’s a pretty lady and the orange does her no favors. And that first set of commercials… “Heather Armstrong is joining HGTV!” and her balancing things on her dog’s nose… were beyond pointless. If you had no previous idea who this woman was, you’d just think “Who’s the skinny broad with the orange cheeks?” and never make an effort to tune in, or even go to the website to find out what it’s really about. Come on, HGTV. You owe Dooce more than that.

Why is there a new mascara every week?

Why do the first two Dell guys in the “Lollipop” commercial look like they were just getting dressed together behind that partition?

When did people start doing pre-release commercials for BOOKS?

Oh, and Jamie Lee Curtis? Enough with your “irregularity” already. It’s not a secret code. We all know that means you’re having trouble with your shit.

What commercial is annoying you?

(My friend the doctor swears this actually happened to his patient.)

A man of late years was admitted to the emergency room with pain in his leg. They hooked him up to a few machines to check his vital signs, and noticed that his oxygen saturations were in the low 70s.

That’s like breathing nothing. That’s like being, well… DEAD.

But he was sitting up and talking to the nurses. All of his other vital signs were in normal ranges and he didn’t exhibit any signs of difficulty breathing. The staff panicked when they saw that number on the monitor, though, and scrambled to put the man on supplementary oxygen.

With the tubing placed and the oxygen flowing, the man’s oxygen saturations jumped up to a normal range in the mid-90s. And then all the rest of his vitals started going crazy. His heart rate went up. His blood pressure made a jump. And he was coughing and struggling to breathe… until they took the oxygen off him, and his sats dropped back into the 70s and all other vitals returned to normal.

HUH?

It emerged that the patient, a cigarette smoker of many packs per day for fifty years, had all the classic lung damage you’d expect. But he didn’t have emphysema or lung cancer. His crappy lungs had adapted themselves so well to the ever-increasing damage over the years that they were able to function in a less-than-optimal state and still sustain life.

That’s some crazy shit. But that’s evolution at its finest.

I bring this up because of that whole detox thing I’m interested in. Last week, before I was able to see my doctor about the herbal system, I decided it couldn’t hurt to start drinking more water and eating better beforehand. So I committed myself to 64 ounces of water per day, no more fried foods or candy, and no more soda.

Take a wild guess at what happened.

Not only did I have the major caffeine withdrawal (I expected that, of course), I had more stomach upsets and sleeplessness without fried food or caffeine. I actually felt DEHYDRATED from drinking that much water – my skin and lips were painfully dry. Every time I’d have a salad for lunch, even with dressing and some chicken on it, my blood sugar would drop in the early afternoon and I’d have to slug a bottle of orange juice just to get enough natural sugars in me to function the rest of the day at work.

Then on top of that, I got a cold. And I just couldn’t take the stomach aches AND the sniffles.

So I’m back on Diet Dr. Pepper and McChickens and peanut butter cups for now because my body simply cannot handle the cold-turkey quit of everything crappy that I’ve fed it. It just straight up REBELLED when I tried to cut out fried and over-processed foods and replace them with greens and fruit! The caffeine withdrawal I was expecting, that’s normal… but what about the rest of it?

Can you have a physiological addiction to grease and sodium like you can nicotine? I really want to know.

The doctor said the herbal thing is fine, so the new plan is to sloooowly cut out those foods over the next two weeks or so, and then do the detox system.

Besides, it would be pointless to start a diet before the Super Bowl parties anyway, right? Beer, nachos, beer, pizza, beer, little hot dogs in BBQ sauce in a Crock Pot, beer…

What’s your addiction? Have you ever tried to quit?

Blog, blog, high school, high school… we all seem to agree that there are a lot of things about the blogging community that tend to run parallel with the social hierarchy of high schools. I noted some things about that in an earlier post, but something struck me today about bullying in the blogosphere…

In real high school? Bullying could be a big problem. A serious problem that could lead to violence and even self-inflicted harm on the part of the victim. It was often met with a code of silence around the victims and helplessness from the staff who either couldn’t do something until there was a “real” problem, or brushed it off as kids being kids. Even friends and parents would say “just ignore him/her.” Often, no one would stand up for you. There were even rules in place that worked against a victim who tried to defend him/herself from a physical attack.

So bullies got away with it. They picked on people and made personal verbal attacks, which usually hurt more than any shove up against the lockers and demand for lunch money.

And sometimes there was no lunch money to give them. Sometimes you couldn’t just get up out of your desk and walk away. Sometimes you couldn’t just ignore it, so you suffered in silence and felt very, very alone.

This is where we, as a blogging community, diverge from high school.

We all write our own way and express our own opinions, and as bloggers we hold our freedom of speech and press near and dear. But we have standards in our communities, and those include respect for people and feelings as well as for opinions.

There was some buzz today about one blogger who allegedly (and I only say this because the posts are gone so I couldn’t check) posted a personal attack on another blogger, regarding the quality of her blog and its worthiness of an award she recently received. This was done in a public forum.

Other members of the blogging community came to this young woman’s defense. Whether she needed them or not, people made it clear to her – and to the person who was offending her – that she was not alone. Similar scenarios play out across the blog world every single day and prove over and over again that we stick to our principles and we have got each other’s backs against bullies and trolls.

Of course we return to free speech and our rights to express opinions. But in a public forum, especially a community forum, if you cross the line into personal attacks, do not be surprised when you start to hear from people you’ve never met or even heard of, calling you out for your treatment of another community member.

YOU will feel just how much words can hurt.

If you genuinely meant no harm and just really screwed up your wording on something and it ended up looking offensive, just make your apology and explanation. Everyone gets heated once in awhile and writes something that just comes out wrong. That’s okay. I’ve accidentally offended people through careless wording before. When genuine apologies are made and accepted, and we move on.

But you don’t accidentally tell someone their writing is pointless or that they do not deserve to be recognized for their work. And you especially do not do that on that person’s own blog or the public forum of a community to which that person belongs.

Although these things continue to happen and probably always will, I just wanted to put it out there that this is an area in which the 20-Something Bloggers community can really shine. The only people who should not be welcome (in MY opinion only) are those who make personal attacks on others, and good riddance to them if they are driven off by people who are trying to defend not only a person, but the integrity of a community.

Groups of friends and lunch tables, I see that parallel. And I think it’s a natural one. But in this aspect, it’s not high school. Bullies don’t get away with it here.

We will take care of our own.

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(Huh. Maybe we’re actually more like a gang? Can we wear green? The 20SB website has a lot of green…)