I used to get the worst migraines AFTER finals in college. When all academics were said and one for the term, I’d come home and spend 24-36 hours pretty much dead in bed, whimpering in pain. Never before, when I was nervous and cramming facts into my head. Never during, where I was sweating and trying desperately to recall something, ANYTHING that might be right. Nope. Always AFTER the worst was over, it would hit me.

I finished NaNoWriMo at 1:12 am CST on Sunday, November 29th. Didn’t sleep till four, I was so excited. And in the morning, when all the drama  of the deadline was over, the nerve attack hit.

It suddenly occurred to me that I’d been off work for five days. What had I forgotten to do? What was coming up Monday? Did I have meetings? Deadlines? Had I remembered to put everything on my to-do list?

I started to feel a bit psycho.

Then I started thinking about my manuscript. Was it even any good? How much did I really like? If I lop out the crap – oh geeze, only 34,000 good words? What if I never finish it? What if I finish it and it sucks – AND what if I finish it and it sucks and I send it to a publisher and they send it back with a “yeah, right” note on a used cocktail napkin?

PANIC. PANIC. PANIC. PANIC.

E was off work on Sunday so I sought comfort with him. But everything he tried to do to relax me just made me more uptight. Footrub suddenly hurt. Back scratching suddenly stung. Head rub made me dizzy. Beer upset my stomach. I even turned down a chicken quesadilla Hot Pocket because I was so queasy.

“GAAAAH!” I screeched at one point. “What is WRONG with me?”

“I don’t know why you’re so nervous about everything today,” he said glumly. “It’s my day off work and I thought we – ”

“I just have so much to do at work tomorrow and I’m afraid I’ll forget something important and I really should have gone in on Wednesday and the newsletter isn’t done and I think I forgot to feed the cat and – ”

“I know how we can relax a bit,” he said, smiling impishly, reaching over to pet my leg.

I jumped. He tried to rub my shoulders and I tensed up. He kissed my neck and it tickled.

“I’m sorry,” I said, pulling back, “I don’t know why I can’t calm down, I’m just so worked up, like it’s physically affecting me and I know it doesn’t make any sense…”

“Baby, I’m just trying to help and you’re so worked up.”

“I know. And I know you’re… well… FRUSTRATED, but I’m just not in the mood to… you know.”

“I know,” he said, and looked away.

So I gave him a hand job.

Because, you know, my hands were shaking anyway. It worked out well for both of us.

Then I got my Klonopin prescription refilled on Monday, and now everyone is fine.

——————————

This is my first TMI Thursday. Not much to it, I know, but I don’t really write much about hand jobs (anymore) so this is the best I can do at present.

…so I took a picture of my desk, for posterity. Sorry it’s shaky, my hands hurt too. My everything hurts.

• Mmm, beer.
• Somewhat-outdated-but-still-useful “Unofficial Guide to London,” because that’s where the scenes are right now
• Mac and cheese
• iPod with Genius mix based on Matt Nathanson’s “Come on Get Higher”
• Stack of unpaid bills
• “Real Pork Bloggers” mousepad from BlogHer.
• Laptop on cooling stand
• And pile of messy cables connecting it to new monitor (waiting on docking station to arrive) that is displaying not OneNote, but Tweet Deck.

Also on desk but not pictured:

• Unopened Netflix DVD, arrived Nov. 3
• “Telling Lies for Fun and Profit” by Lawrence Block
• Strunk and White’s “Elements of Style”
• Blackberry (is taking this shaky picture)

I have written one hundred and forty words in this post. Can I count that toward my daily total?

UPDATED 11.29.2009, 01:12 CST

I WIN I WIN I WIN!

NaNoWriMo’s reward is supposed to be self-satisfaction, a printable certificate of completion, and a free proof copy of your book if you send it to CreateSpace in December.

But I’m a material girl. And I do not want a proof copy of something that is going to pretty much suck. I’ll mark it up in red pen in about 2 days.

So this year, when I hit 50,000 words, I am buying this poster to have matted and framed for my study:

And this shirt because it is awesome and true:

We all make ourselves do some crazy shit once in awhile. I know a few NaNo-ers who are promising themselves tattoos (not book-related, necessarily) or little vacations or other fun things if they finish this year. 

What do you do to motivate yourself to do something as nuts as 50,000 words in 30 days?

(P.S. Thanks to Ashley for the Starbucks contest! I won Starbucks drinks, and just in time for noveling!)

Oh gaaaawd, am I going to finish my October things before NaNoWriMo starts? This freaking sinus infection has had me down and out for a week and a half now, completely throwing off my plans to paint and have lunch with my grandparents, and the resulting drowsiness (both medication-induced and just plain LAZY) has really slowed my progress on outlining my manuscript and even just posting on here.

Well, I take that last one back, kind of. Here’s the issue I’m having with posting, and it’s not entirely because I’m lazy:

My inspiration for the format of the manuscript is in  the lost art of the epistolary novel, like Choderlos de Laclos’ Les Liaisons Dangeruses, which is comprised almost entirely of letters among several parties. I’m going to try and translate that into a manuscript where the exposition comes  in the form of my main characters’ public blog posts and personal emails among themselves, and the action really going down in a traditional narrative format.

Hey, it MIGHT work.

My proposed format means that I will have to write blog posts, but not for my blog. So anytime I get an idea or a theme for a post in my head lately, it seems to shuffle its way from MY point of view to one of the characters I’m outlining. Then I don’t want to write it on here because:

a) that’s kind of cheating, to have any narrative done beforehand, and

b) my personal voice is being hijacked.

So for November, please don’t expect any sort of insightful, brilliant posts on here. I don’t think I’ll have them for my own blog while I’m basically creating three others from scratch. You’ll have to settle for a series of “this-is-what-I-did-today” blurbs, I’m afraid.

Only 15 days until November!

That means I only have 15 days to get stuff done before National Novel Writing Month begins again, and I fling myself back into the race for 50,000 words in 30 days. I will be putting my word count tracker widget up again this year, so you can cheer me on!

I have got to clear my plate before it begins, or else I will have way too many excuses to procrastinate.  Last year I had to leave the house to write most nights because there were so many projects there that caught my attention and distracted me. I spent way too much money stuffing my face as I wrote night after night at the Gelateria that month.

So, in the interests of a healthy bank account, in the next 15 days, I will:

• Finish painting. I have the living room and bedroom left to do.
• Outline my NaNoWriMo story. I have given myself permission to use Post-Its.
• Write at least 4 more blog posts. I’ve been slacking.
• Finish my grad school application and send it in. (Did I forget to mention that? Grad school? More on that in the next post, I think.)
• Visit my grandparents.
• Weatherproof my windows.

And in the next 12 hours, YOU should enter my bath product giveaway at Like. Love. Want. before time is up at midnight tonight!